A CHRISTMAS CAROL

It was that time of the year again, jingling bells, merry rides, magical moments, light beaming streets (we both know that doesn’t happen here in Nigeria, just to add colour to my story) more importantly we just finished our first term exam, so it means only one thing to me, football and computer games. Most people don’t come to school after exams, but I will rather spend time with my friends than do any other thing at home.

I got to school late, about the same time the punctuality prefect made his entrance too, went to the classroom to say hi to the girls and some guys who had somehow miraculously turned a real classroom to an Olympic indoor games hall, table tennis, chess, card games, were all in session. I wasn’t cut out for any of those gay sports (no offense) so I just went straight to where my footballing skills are needed. Being a catholic school it felt a bit Christmassy with all the decorations and the ambience of Christmas songs from the convent, teachers wishing themselves a merry Christmas and the noise of different classes and groups preparing for the Christmas carol.

The boys had already started playing, so I had to chill till someone got tired or injured, boys in my school hardly get tired doing what doesn't involve a paper and a pen, even when they are tired they don’t admit so I was praying someone gets injured, while praying for a poor tackle, a junior ran to the field and told me the choir master needs my attention with two other guys, we went to wherever he was and found other girls there, he then read out the letter qith him .The school has been invited to a singing competition by a sister school in the state capital, the shock of it all was that it was the next day.

We helped ourselves into an empty classroom and brainstormed on what song to sing, if we were going to get any award at the competition, it was for sure going to be most uncoordinated singing group. After series of arguments that lasted for almost 30mns, we chose popular Christmas hymns, joy to the world and come all ye faithful. We couldn’t rehearse on that day, so we all agreed to come to school early the next day.

in two''s we made way into the classroom e had previously met and sang the song the way a church congregation will sing recessional hymn, It was so embarrassing that someone suggested we boycott the competition. As horrible as we sounded we had exceptionally good singers, so we decided to come up with a new concept. we told the conductor to be as energetic and abnormal as possible, if our singing will embarrass us, let our attitude and other things honor us. that was the spirit.

We loaded ourselves in the bus and rehearsed throughout the trip, no vehicle driver dare not take a second look on overtaking. We got to the place in one piece, a little on time according to the invitation, but too early according to what we met on ground, the microphones were still being tested, so we had time to mingle with other students. After a while the programme went underway, I took a look at my fellow school mates and i could see fear and anxiety hanging out of their eyes. As the schools performed, I couldn’t help but compare the situation to films I’ve seen in the past, fighting temptations, sister’s act, as these thoughts creeped into my mind, i felt someone push me and say let's go rehearse for the last time were told we will be performing after the sermon, and the epiphany was almost done. Quickly we went to a corner and rehearsed, as seniors, we told our juniors not to be scared “(shaky voice)just let us go and have fun there, it is not the end if we don’t win” it was obvious my speech just made them more scared. The MC called our school and we found our way to the stage.

The moment I faced the crowd, all my fears diluted, we sang as if our lives depended on it, the soloist was on point, the drummer was perfect and our move left, move right dance wasn’t that bad too. The feedback we got from the audience was amazing, the ovation was deafening though only a few stood. We could just have walked up to the judges to collect our first place prize.

When the winners were announced, we knew we were going to get one, not necessarily first, they called the first two and it wasn’t our school, it was down to the first place position. Have you ever wondered why all participants in a competition are always scared when it gets to this part? Well, its because its either you are the winner or not. AND THE WINNER IS…………..(MC CLEARS THROAT) SAINT ANTHONY CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL, come and see jumping, clapping and hugging, it was an amazing experience. As we were handed the trophy, one of the judges said it wasn’t our singing that made us win but the concept we came with, he said we were different from every other school that performed.

Thanks for reading. Merry Christmas and happy new year

OKADA WAHALA

One of those days when your Dad warns you particularly and carefully against doing something and you are caught pants down doing exactly what you were told not to do after giving him assurance. Well, if you are wondering, I didn’t have sex with anybody in the house and I did not steal nobody’s money, I was seen on a bike (okada)

It took me 15years of my life before I first took a bike, asides the fact that I never owned a bicycle, not that I was scared of motorcycles, i was just too good a boy and obeyed all instructions I was given. As we all know the devil has a way of exposing us, If I knew I was going to be dealt with by fate on that day, I would have boarded a taxi or trekked home sef (patapata it will take me 3hrs to get home). I selected a neat bajaj and mounted it like a musketeer will mount his horse.

I was enjoying the fresh breeze as the okada swayed in between cars stuck in traffic, we finally  got to a free road and the breeze I was enjoying earlier became too much, my hair strands were at atis, from nowhere an oncoming ___________ hit me

(a) Car           (b) trailer     (c) train       (d) ant      (e) Airplane     

okada man

It was a tiny ant, it went straight into my eye, I thought it was dust, so I tried to rub it out, but the more I rubbed, the more painful it became and the more I knew I was in trouble. I was like ok maybe I just need to bury my head in water. With one eye open and one closed I managed to get home, when I was giving the okada man money, he was looking at me like a mad boy because I was looking at him with one eye. I went straight to the bathroom and made sure nobody noticed, I drowned my head in a bowl of water, tried several other means but it only got worse, In my mind I was like ok, so am going to be blind. At the end, I had to confess and I was taken to the hospital, I had to use shades throughout the week In school, people who were not my friends and my juniors were impressed that I was bold enough to do that even right on the assembly ground not knowing I had a note from the vice principal.

My father was angry and am sure for a second he wished that eye would trouble me a little bit longer. He told me he was disappointed and I told him I won’t repeat it again. Somehow temptation came dancing again and I couldn’t resist it, it was certain no insect will enter my eyes because It became an habit to wear shades to protect my eyes when I’m on bike. The journey was smooth, the breeze was in order, the road was free, nothing could possibly go wrong, I was also watching out for an ash bmw or a black Nissan, so that I don’t fall directly into my Father’s hand. as we got to a T junction, we leveled up with the black jeep we have been trailing, I was helping the okada man check the road before we zoom off then I noticed the tinted glass of the jeep slowly go down, it instantly clicked to me  MY FATHER’S FRIEND.

He looked straight into my eyes and told me to get down. I told the Okada man to park well, he even settled my fare. He didn’t say a word till we got to our shop, the moment he got down, I could see the excitement in his eyes as if he caught a thief and the sheriff was going to give him a medal, I can’t really count the number of slaps I got that day, I don’t even know who and who slapped me, all I knew was that I got variety of slaps, ranging from thin palms to fat palms ( I guessed passers by were interested in the slapping contest)

Today, he doesn’t even give a shit if I go interstate on bike, all he wants to know is that I’m home safe.

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS

No man’s life is complete without any emotional drama (ladies), I have been through a phase of that aspect and I know It just got started, but before it starts let me give you a low down on how far I’ve gone, I will give you updates later.
My first crush was in primary two (we never said anything to each other until recently)
My second crush was in JSS1 (wrote a letter I never delivered, we never met eye ball to eye ball)
My third crush was in SS1 (you will read about that soon)
My fourth crush was Britney Spears (she shaved her hair and went to rehab)
Obviously I haven’t been doing so well with the girls, as long as it isn’t a prerequisite for success or an Olympic medal, I think I’m happy that way. I have always consoled myself with one saying though “I sha know I will get married one day” won’t i?
Let’s talk about my SS1 crush now, I was magnetized by her smile and her ever glowing eyes, she was one of the hottest girls in SS1. She was close to my best friend which I was a bit jealous of. I made up my mind and decided I was going to have a shot at her. the first step was to get her telephone number which is the simplest part of starting any parole. I sighted her sweeping her classroom and walked towards her, she swiftly raised her head and gave me a spooky look as if she knew what I had in mind, I walked past her and cowardly said well-done o. standing outside the classroom I was surprised i didn’t have the balls to ask for her number (must have been that weird look), went on a second trial and this time I was like
ME ;( cranky voice) hi, can I get your number?
SHE; sure (picks a paper from the swept dirt, collects the pen I was pointing at her and scuffles something on the paper and then hands it over)
ME; thank you
I was the happiest boy at that moment, her giving me her number already felt as if we were dating. On my way home, I had a feeling I was going to misplace the paper so I crammed the number and kept the paper. Two days later I gave her a call (lasted less than 30secs) and that was how it all began.
After weeks of saying hi, I decided to move things up a bit, my plan was going well, I had played the possibility in my mind over and over and it always end on a I do note. By SS 1 summer school I had developed our relationship to an extent we got comfortable with each other. SS2 we were close we became platonic, she could tell me the colour of her pants. I saw that has my green light and decided to step on the gas. I set up a date with her in the school library (parole station) with the intent of asking her out. I met her in the library and we started to talk. At that point I didn’t feel like going ahead with my plan, not that I cared less or anything but because I was scared she’ll say no and tell her friends about me (hot topic for the day). a fight then started in my head “should I, should I not, should I, should I not”, I decided to innovate, I then said
“I would like us to be best of friends, like you be my best male friend and I’ll be your best female friend”, exactly what I said and she replied “sure, no problem” days after the library date I noticed we were no longer as close as the pre-library date, our friendship then started moon walking, I expected our relationship to get better but it got silent. We then had a minor fight and stopped talking for like a term.
By SS 3 we were as close as handshake, we communicated on phone often and spent a lot of time together during breaks and we trek home together after school most time. SS 3 was mainly for exams, so much didn’t happen until after the exam. 4 days to our graduation, I made up my mind that I was going to ask her out for real. We were together in the science laboratory and I dropped the bomb shell. Can’t really recall how I did it but I can never forget her reply and how she said it.
SHE LAUGHED AS IF I WAS CHRIS ROCK AND SAID NO. I have never been that mortified in my life. I told her I respect her decision and whatever she says is OK by me (big lie) as I was about to stand up, she held my hand and said thank you, in my mind I was like “for what stupid, you say no to me and you can still smile and thank me”
Two weeks after that day, I didn’t hear from her which was very unusual, I guess we were both ashamed of the other day, though I was more ashamed. We patched things up later and we are cool friends today.
Do I still have a thing for her? Hmnnnnnnnn NOOO, but I don’t regret it because I wouldn’t have had a story to tell.
To be continued………………………………………..

THE INTER-HOUSE SPORTS

I’m not the best sports man you’ll see around, just an average athlete, I perform a little above par in most major sports excluding basketball (I really suck in that) and womanizing.
 It was that time of the year again, our annual inter house sport, the whole school was buzzing with band beats and screams of left right left right alt one two, guys with their shades on ready to scope anything scopable, the most fun part of it all was that three periods were out for the day, Math (didn’t do my assignment), biology and economics, missing those three subjects at a stretch was priceless to me.

I was dumped in green house, green house had the reputation of coming last always. Preparations were underway and I was tested for 100metres senior boy, as expected I came second to the last and couldn’t make the 100metre team, but managed to make the relay team. As part of the most senior students in the house, I cheered our runners, assisted the girls in perfecting their march past formation, and watched over our bag of pure water and glucose, at least I was useful in an aspect.

It was the heat day, the stage was set, the lines were re-drawn, the band beat was louder, and adrenaline was stinking. I couldn’t miss the front row for anything so I got to the field early and booked a seat. Suddenly I saw our house master running up and down looking as if he lost his future (sorry to say that, but he did look that terrible) he spotted me and ran up to my seat, he then told me I’ll have to stand in for one of our runners for the 200metre race who was absent, the other that could have replaced him was injured, he kept on talking but I couldn’t hear anything at this point, all I saw were his lips clapping.

I was psychologically, physically and emotionally not ready for this race, but I didn’t have a choice. I went to the back of a building and changed into a sportswear, as I made way for the starting line, I was pushed down by an imaginary bastard, stood up, dusted myself and got into position. At this point all I was looking at was the ass of the guy in front of me, #on your mats# the fastest runner in the school was running this race too, you needed to see how scared I was, It was as if I was going to be jailed if I ran that race, as this thoughts crept to my mind I heard #GOOOO#.

Giddyop, giddyop, giddyop, I saw no one in front of me as I swiped my hands and legs recklessly, made the first turn and still first in the race, I could hear myself say “you can do it”, green house members were screaming my name, made the second curve and still number one, my name was the shout of the minute, had covered like 130metres already and still first. At this point I could feel the pain banging my chest, my legs were as though I was wearing timberland boots, and my hands were as if I was holding a glass of water. The next thing I saw was the ass I had earlier stared at in my front getting smaller and smaller and tiny, then another ass flew by, then another was beside me, managed to steal a look at his face only to see all his teeth and neck veins hanging out, can be mistaken to be smiling awkwardly, the poor guy looked as if his scalp was hit with a club.

It felt as if a fan in my system stopped rolling. I realized I couldn’t qualify for the final event, so I decided to add another twist to the race and feigned a fall(Oscar winner for best pretentious act), concerned spectators shouted awwww, eeyah. I felt it was better to be pitied than to be laughed at.

At the end of the inter-house sport, green house was last just like green white green would perform in the Olympics, and at the end of the day I felt proud of myself, some said I could have been third if I didn’t fall, some said I was first for more than half the race, and I say I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t partake in that race.

Thanks for reading………                                                       

A DAY WITH KIDNAPPERS

Can imagine what the old woman would have been thinking that sunny afternoon, her grandson got abducted by aliens, got kidnapped for ransom, rapture occurred, he just disappeared, choose what you want, truth is i willingly walked out the door to satisfy a desire I couldn’t let down. This is the story of the day I got neighbours and well-wishers thinking I got kidnapped.

Grandma came to visit, and she would be sleeping over for few days, I was happy to have her around, only that she was an hindrance to my habitual fun time with my grown friend, bro Muyiwa(most of my friends were far older than me) We’ll talk about stuff, really learned a lot from him, watched movies together and my favourite part computer games. At the slightest of chances, I’ll run to his house, and now that mom and Dad were not at home was the perfect time to go have fun

 I had to make sure my assistance won’t be needed at all in the house, so I made everything she’ll probably be needing for the next one hour available. i inserted a movie in our 3 disc changer Samsung dvd "the king and Ann" and made sure she was watching with the hope she’ll sleep off soon enough. After few minutes I told her I wanted to buy biscuit just over the street and I took off never to be seen in like six hours.

As soon as I got to my destination, I forgot the chronicle of the whole day, the day was going just as I expected, I lost track of time, 1hr seemed like 10minutes. By the time it was 60minutes by my own conversion, I heard a knock on the gate, Liu kang was beating the shit out of Kai, I paused the game and went to check who was at the gate only to see a team of community volunteers on a search hunt. From their reaction I knew I would be singing R Kelly’s "if I could turn back the hands of time" in a couple of minutes.

When I got home I didn’t know what do or say, I just went inside my room to sleep. The neighborhood was buzzing with rumours that I had been kidnapped. The lucky part was that my parents were not around during the whole drama, by the time they came back from work the dust had settled. They were more absorbed in the story than the lead actor.

A WEEKEND OUT OF SCHOOL

Leaving school during session isn't one of my things, but when i got an invitation to attend my friend's sister's wedding i made it my thing for once. this is the story of the weekend i made a new friend.

i left school early enough to make it for the reception. The reception took place in a big hotel in Ejigbo, the atmosphere was the typical Naija wedding scene,  women on gele running helter skelter, big boys in shades, men in agbada with newspapers peeping out of their armpits, ambiance of food cries "ai ti get ounje nibi bayii o, e gbe moinmoin lo si side ibeyen"the music suited the occasion. By the time i got there i was famished, my host(Akin) was able to take a break from his aburo iyawo duties and brought me fried and jollof rice with meat and chilled coke. at that moment i felt like doing MJ's moon walk and hugging him but i just told him "thanx bro"

By the time reception was over, we(Me, Akin and his in-law) decided to chill at the venue before we leave for our hotel, we gisted for some minutes before we got bored to tears and decided to call the spices of life to come and spice up our discussion. in 5 minutes three known ladies to the guys walked up to our seat, one sat with each of us, i was using one side of my eyes to scope my pick and my other eyes was at my phone(snake xenzia). the other guys got to business and were already deep in conversation with their cohorts. Akin noticed i wasn't talking to the other girl. he then did an extended introduction and got back to his acquaintance, at that point i was expected to take off but i wasn't in the mood for chin wagging. i tried my best though to bring her back to life cos she was very busy with her phone too.

ME; ....................so what university are you   

HER; I'm still in secondary school

ME; so what class

HER; SS2(first term for dat matter)

ME; WOW

i glanced at Akin and gave him a frown, i continued chatting with her and most of our talk was on her secondary school(do you have a school daughter? bla bla bla talk) i was crying deep inside that this people should let us start going. she kept on talking and i just wished she could kiss the sky for once, she told me to excuse her and left me, for a moment i was thanking God, she then called and told me to walk down, Akin had earlier left so i thought it was our cue to leave not knowing the party just started, i went after her and asked her where Akin was, she had no idea, she then told me to come with her. as if i was hypnotized i trailed her behind until we got to a less crowded place let me say, something close to a dark corner, i was enjoying the drama cos i wanted to know what will evolve that night, i then tried to talk but she halted me saying "let's forget about my school jare" she then started asking personal questions like my age, my number in the family and so on. i gave her any answer and told her it would be better we check on the others before they leave me behind, she was a bit reluctant but i insisted. 

we left the place and went back to our former location, i even felt ashamed walking beside her, anybody looking at us will mistake me for her big uncle. we didn't really say much again that night until she asked for my phone number, i gave her sha. by the time we got to our hotel, she had already called me four times, i then said to myself "I'm in trouble"

the next day was saturday and it was the wedding proper, i was the odd one out, all the people i knew were dressed in tux, i was wearing my unstarched blue guniea without a cap. the church service was interesting though long. i felt a vibration in my pocket and it was my new friend calling me, she told me she was outside the church and wanted to see me, i told her i wasn't leaving the church until after the service. after the service i made sure i didn't see her, even at the reception, i saw her looking for me but i somehow managed to escape unseen. 

from our conversation on that friday, she told me she'll be going back to school on monday which implies she won't be able to call until xmas break.suprisingly i haven't heard from her since then. 

HAPPY MARRIED LIFE TO  DAYO AND TOPE

Nov 12, 2011.